I don't really like goodbyes, mostly because I have a profound dislike for emotional displays or anything approaching such a thing. That said, I do leave with a huge sense of trepidation, full in the knowledge that whatever systems of emotional support I derive from my close circle of friends and family will be of little or no use to me over the next 6 months.
Of course, I won't be on my own for the first three weeks, seeing how I'll be travelling with Neena, and then later with Sinead. But after that first three weeks, I won't be coming home. I'll be moving on to Hong Kong (for definite - ticket is booked). This will be approaching the longest I have ever been away from home, and it will also be my first time out there in the world on my lonesome - which in one sense is complete bollox; since (not in some existential bullshitty way), I have spent as much time as anyone else alone in unfamiliar situations with no familiar individual in close proximity. No the other hand, it's not like I can just txt someone and say look, feeling shit, wanna go for a pint. And while I would rarely (if ever) do so, I live full in the knowledge that in such a situation I very much could send such a txt message and would presumably end up in the pub, pretending to be so much better than I feel.
All that said, geography in no way precludes emotional proximity and thus I honestly don't feel that much like I'm leaving everyone and everything behind. I worry - maybe I'll have a shit time, maybe I'll get home sick, maybe I won't meet people and it would be foolish to assume there won't be days where this will feel extremely like the case.
But, there will be other days, other times when exactly the opposite is true and hopefully, when I am somewhere ages hence reading this (possibly on this same familiar bed), I'll laugh full in the knowledge that there was no cause for worry.
And truthfully, if I simply knew that this was going to be brilliant and I would meet such and such here, so and so there and have a blast doing this that and the other, there wouldn't really be much fucking point in going to the other side of the world. I could stay here and with a reasonable amount of certainty point out who the main-players in my merry-making might be. There would of course be unstable elements, friends of friends and people I don't see very often, people who live in other countries and who only make it home every so often. The not knowing is perhaps the point - and while you can judge my fears as pointless cynicism, I would rather that than have some dauntless naivety be bitterly crushed in the first pangs of loneliness. And don't worry, I do very much intend to enjoy myself, and am very much looking forward to meeting lovely and interesting people, who will then add me on Facebook, and who I will probably never actually speak to in "real" life again. (see, cynicism - just comes naturally)
Anyway, this is my long-winded way of saying goodbye, saying that this isn't actually a goodbye, that I will miss you, and that there is absolutely no reason why I should feel the need to miss you because in a very real way, friendship is not something influenced by location or how many times you see someone in a month. Friendship should never be defined, should never be estimated and quantified. Friendship is that which exists despite the rational, the expected. I can ask no more of you, and expect no less from myself. And, I thoroughly look forward to coming home and pissing each and every single fucking one of you off by starting each and every sentence with either "while I was away" or "when I was in". You have five and a half months to prepare yourselves for this.
As Scott Pilgrim would say, "I lesbians all of you." (if you have no idea what that means, go see Scott Pilgim - unless you're over 30, in which case seeing the film will only make you much much more confused, and probably quite worried).
Love and hugs, all the same, to all of you. And let's face it, I'd be an idiot to even pretend to say, talk to you in January because let's face it, I'll probably hear something from you all by Thursday, and at that only because I will be on an airplane for the entirity of Wednesday.
So, I'll either be in an airport or Japan by the next time I write on this.
Talk soon,
Love,
Shane.
No comments:
Post a Comment